Being Honest

What do we mean when we talk about being honest? There are a lot of different ways we can look at this. I remember my mother used to say “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Sometimes we may think about not liking a woman’s hair or not liking a man’s clothes. We don’t say anything, even though it would be considered ‘honest’ to tell them. That's because it's socially appropriate to monitor our honesty. So how can we be honest without being·blatantly rude?

If we break something that doesn’t belong to us, it’s appropriate to tell the other person that it was broken. Maybe it was a child that broke it. But we don’t necessarily want to point fingers at children because things get broken, and in our world, things aren’t all that important. But it is an indication of how we feel about the person to which that thing belongs. So a cup gets broken… a chair gets broken… rather than to have the person find it broken and wonder why nothing was said, it’s best to tell the person up front. “This was broken and I will replace it.” Be sure that you have the integrity to offer to make amends.

Maybe something insulting was said that you should confront. If your boss accuses you of insubordination, you should stand up to that insult. You may have neglected to send an email or neglected to make a phone call, or you over stepped your boundaries. It’s best to stand up to that. Tell the boss “I misunderstood” or “You’re right, I did not follow though.” Try not to come up with a list of excuses. Excuses are also insulting. Clarify… “But I asked if you wanted me to send an email, and you said you did not, so therefore, I did not send it.” In that case you’re being honest about the exchange that happened. You’re not trying to be mean or spiteful; you’re just stating the case. But if it’s something you actually spaced out for some reason, you don’t want to say “Well I would have but this happened or that happened” or “You pulled me onto a different project.” Those excuses don’t matter and it minimizes your integrity. And that’s the whole thing about being honest. Not being blatantly honest where we’re getting back to “I don’t like your hair” or “I don’t like the way your talk.”

To be honest is to maintain your integrity. That means, if you agree to do something people will know that you will follow through; and if you don’t follow through you’ll stand up and admit what happened. The whys and wherefores are not that important and pointing fingers are definitely where you don’t want to go.

Our behavior is not someone else’s fault. “I broke the glass because Johnny tripped me and I fell.“ Maybe if I was ten that might be the way I would address it. But “The cup is broken. Let me know how much it costs. I’ll replace it.” is a mature and responsible way to handle it. You don’t have to go into the details or pour on the drama.

So honesty is a matter of maintaining your integrity, which is important to the psyche and important to the soul. Having integrity means you’re whole, and being whole means you are not deficient. If you’re whole, and not deficient, you have no need to fabricate stories, inflate your abilities by pointing out flaws in others, or make up any mistruth to get you by.

It seems so obvious when we see it in others. But it’s difficult to see it in ourselves; to reflect on our own sense of not being good enough.